Dialogue: Rules of Engagement

In a sexual encounter, we could not exclusively dictate our own preferences. As a result we do not always get what we desire, our expectations unmet. What we can just do is to go with the flow so at the least we would finish off what we have started or we would achieve our ends even at the means we do not like.

Jake: trey musta na? grave i have the worst sex experience last night

Trey: with whom? why?

Jake: with a hot doctor from expanya

Trey: bakit naman worst?

Jake: masyado cia shy kc.

Jake: lam mo yung 30 minutes kmi mgkatabi sa sala... tapos tingin lng cia ng tingin..... gusto nia humawak pero di ginagawa

Jake: sabi ko p...ano n plan..simula n tyo. shy padin

Trey: tapos?

Jake: so ako n ng initiate. i grab him... pra lumapit sa akin..then i place his hand sa may jeans ko

Trey: tapos?

Jake: ayun..dun p lng cia indi naging shy. kinapa nia what within my jeans. then he tried to hold his dick as well. i can nhard n cia... parang kanina p ciang hard. nung nkita ko.. naging hard n cia. tapos he unbluckle my belt... i become harder. then ....he unbuttom and open the zipper. im wearing a black undies. he grab it... and try to smell it. he lick my undies.... kung nasan ung cock ko.

Jake: still there?

Trey: yup.

Jake: it become harder and harder. so i grab his ass... then pinghubad ko n cia.. full naked.. gwaping cia..chinese... tapos ganda katawan pero wala six pack. he romove my shirt and jeans..bk brief n lng me. indi n nia kinaya then he remove my undies. he lick it...masrap i thought expert cia. then he tried to suck it... maliit ung mouth nia so nahirapan cia. then he suck me so good... nasarapan ako so i jerk him off... then suddenly super libog nia.. i fell masakit. nakagat nia ng konti... ouch... sorry indi daw cia marunong... so ung ginawa nia he just lick it ..and lick it then sbi nia fuck me so ayun..i fuck him n agad. kaso..maarte kc pg pinapasok ko super gentle n lng...minura nia ako..sabi nia masakit dahan dahan medyo nawawalan n me ng gana. so what i did.. pinajakol ko sa kanya tapos cia n lng umupo. nung naipasok na...... ang tagal... taas baba cia. then i told him kaya mo na. inihiga ko cia then fuck him hard. kita ko sa kanya na nasasarapan cia..pero sabi nia masakit. so dahan dahan lng. sabi nia.. palabas ka na pls. so ng dog style kmi. tinodo ko n until labasaan ako. tapos n ... kya pla gusto n nia me labasan kc nilabasan n pla cia...sa first fuck ko. tapos ngshower n ako..after ko mg shower..sabi
nia bihis k n dali...hatid n agad kita.... shower lng saglit.

ayun...indi ako ngenjoy masyado kc .... i can still prolong my cum longer to fuck him more pero ala.

the end

That is how Jake defines “worst”, which to some I guess would be the opposite. However, when I probe him more on what happened it turned out there are some things that he had expected from the encounter. He told me that they should reach orgasm at the same time and more importantly, Jake said, there was no kissing, which is something he really likes. I thought, is it really the absence of kissing that made it worst or is it the question of “why”?

Sometimes we start to doubt our confidence when things happen unexpectedly. Jake was boasting of his lips and fresh breath in our subsequent conversations. This is supposedly one of his desirable assets. When the doctor did not kiss him and made their encounter brief, he could have subconsciously interpreted the act as a form of avoidance or even rejection. This is possibly one reason why he treated the experience as “worst”. However, was that really an act of rejection?

We have rules when we are having sex, with strangers in particular. One general rule for example is safe sex, meaning wearing condoms. Some would not allow ass fucking. Some would just allow oral sex, even with clothes on. Some would only like mutual jerk-offs. Others would like with lights on and others would not. When it comes to kissing, we are very particular with the extent to which we would allow that. Some would not allow someone kissing them from neck up. Others would allow mouth kissing as long as there is no tongue. Others would not kiss another with halitosis or with dentures.

To sum all these up, no matter how peculiar our practices in having sex, we have our rules. There is no reason to get disappointed because we are engaging in an activity with a partner of differing views and ideas on how to conduct themselves in the same situation. What we can do is just to respect what others want and meet them halfway, and if not, we can always leave and get our rocks off with another partner.

Charity

In our world, we always build our first impressions on what we see. That means, we see the physical appearance first. We do not approach an individual without first assessing or evaluating his attractiveness. It might be his body, his face, his manual gestures, or simply his eyes, lips or nose. We are superficial when it comes to physical attraction because each one of us has physical preferences with our prospect partner, and we do not care what people say about this.

“Maganda lang iyan dahil sa ilaw.” We always joke that when we are in a bar. Sometimes we would say, “Layogenic lang pala siya.” In short, under normal circumstances, we are wrong with our judgment and it is already too late to back off. This is a dilemma because when we are already facing that embarrassing situation, we panic and we do unpleasant things. What would we do if it turned out that the guy we are flirting or seducing turns out less of our expectations?

I only have two physical requirements in choosing my prey. First, he must be lean to muscular. Six-pack abs is rare in the market so I have to settle with trim bodies. Second, he must look and act masculine. It does not mean that if one has a body to die for, he also looks or acts masculine. These two criteria are not easy to find, so a great deal of scrutiny is necessary. Unfortunately, things could get complicated when there is a call in the loins in a place obscured by darkness. Sometimes we become careless with our choices that we compromise our own standards.

There are occasions that my preys fall short of my expectations. I would sometimes seduce a very muscular guy but would turn out a total turn-off because of the way he speaks. Sometimes I would be fortunate to sense him early and I could dismiss him, but when he is already by my side, it is very difficult to reject someone. Perhaps if he would exhibit undesirable attitude, I could walk away, but if not, I could not just dump him since it is my fault that I lured him. Between hurting someone’s feelings and bruising my own ego, I would choose the latter.

I remember an episode in Queer as Folks where one of the four leading characters became a subject of total humiliation when he was turned down by a hunky stud that he had slept once. The stud told him that it happened because he was making a “charity” during that night, and it would never ever happened again. He said that once a year, he would pick a man who he thought could not get a hook-up and lay with him. It is like giving back to the gay community.

“Charity” in the world of dating is quite an insult. It means that one is just making a big favor to another and taking it seriously is a fantasy. It means that one is incapacitated to find his own happiness or satisfaction and he needs another’s kindness to get it. It is like giving without conviction, without a heart. In short, it is an outright disrespect to ones humanity.

Looking at what I did to my previous preys, would I consider myself performing “charities”? Indeed, I build my impression on physical appearance. It is careless judgment but there is no way otherwise given the circumstances and motive. Compromising my own standards in hunting for my preys could be an act of “charity” to some but I would think it as a steadfast act. I would rather stand by my actions and finish what I started than to put more air on my already bloated ego. Who knows? It could be just nature’s way of telling me that I am not always having the luck. I might as well suffer some consequences.

We always deserve what we get, anyway.

Sidetrip: Under the Storm

The hell I would have any idea of what would become of Marikina, of Quezon City, of Pasig, of Rizal, of Laguna or the rest of the places that the storm “Ondoy” had gone through that fateful night, and if ever my third eye was aware during that time, would I change the course of events? Would I be able to prevent the onslaught? Perhaps but … it was a consequence of a careless and thoughtless act from who else, us.

---

It was already raining hard that Friday night when I decided to empty my bladder in the restroom of the MRT Boni Station. There are no other users when I entered so I took the last urinal and started to pee. A few moments later, I heard someone entered and took the urinal next to me and then another one who went directly in front of the mirror adjacent to the urinals. I did not look and relied on my peripheral vision to observe. He moved closer to the receptacle that is a very familiar behavior for someone who is prude and straight. That is what I thought.

... it was a consequence of a careless and thoughtless act from who else, us.The torso of the man standing beside me started to retreat. I thought, he is beginning to expose something to the new arrival. Whatever it is, it is not in my line of sight. I finished off and buttoned my jeans slowly trying to reveal to him what I got. I turned to his direction to catch what he is showing off. It was a fully-grown dickhead of considerable size, big but not huge. I moved to the sink and washed my hands. The new arrival immediately replaced me in the urinal and for the first time, I looked at the face of the exhibitionist. He is smiling at me sheepishly, which I never like. I could sense his confidence and arrogance. He is that person who thinks he could get anyone he likes and that challenges me.

The exhibitionist is around 26 or 27, 5’9” in height and slim. He has fair skin, semi-shaved head, and quite nice-looking even he has some pimples on his face. He is wearing football shorts and jersey with the Philippine flag on it, and rubber slippers. He could actually be an athlete, and with long and smooth pair of legs, I admit he appeals to me. He is not carrying a bag or anything so I presume that he is cruising.

Another shadow of a tall and slim guy appeared inside the restroom. He too looks appealing but I thought the room is already getting crowded. I have a plan in mind that I thought I could play with. I look at the exhibitionist again and lead his eyes to my crotch that I grab discreetly. He looked at me again and I held his gaze. He knows what I am telling him. I left the area.

I walked slowly towards the revolving gate while taking glimpses at the restroom. I saw the exhibitionist came out and looked around the station. He spotted me and once again, we communicated. The first guy also went out but move fast to the exit.

There were two choices where we can get down the station, either the stairs or the escalator that is not functioning. I look back at the exhibitionist again. He was ten or fifteen meters away and I believe he is watching me. I proceeded to the direction of the stairs very slowly until he catches me on the wet steps. I let him get down first.

The downpour is still heavy when we reach the ground. I do have my umbrella inside my bag but I did not bring it out. I still have some things to prove. This exhibitionist is one good specimen: athletic, sexually appealing, and exuding with self-confidence. I would not let this opportunity pass by without knowing he has desires for me. I saw him stopped in front of the elevator door. The traffic of people up and down the station is still visible yet not heavy. Standing and waiting is another man who seems undecided yet whether to brave the rain without an umbrella. I reached the base of the stairs and kept the two accompanied.

The exhibitionist could not keep still where he is standing. We were there for several minutes already and he was getting impatient. He keeps on brushing my arm with his elbow indicating that he wanted to move out from the place. The other man I assume is clueless as to what is happening between us. My plan is getting into shape and there is one final proof I need to know. Finally, I send a signal to the exhibitionist that he could lead and I follow.

I followed him in front of McDonalds. A crowd of people is also waiting there. The exhibitionist squeezed himself beside me without uttering a word. Our arms are touching at each other. He was trying to be discreet by busying his fingers at the keypad of his cell phone. “What’s next?” I thought. We could not keep this thing last all night. I look inside the fast food chain, what if I lead him to the rest room. I could make my final test inside.

With a nudge on his elbow, I inched my way inside the store and went straight to the comfort room. The door is open when I entered. It is very spacious with a toilet bowl and a urinal inside. I could not close the door since two people can use it simultaneously. If the exhibitionist would decide to follow, he could opt to close it or not. I went to the toilet bowl and tucked my dick out. A few minutes later, I noticed the exhibitionist beside me looking at my cock. He grabbed my dick and squeezed it. He held it in a few seconds only and then he left. I stood there with my dick out and still flaccid. My initial reaction was of embarrassment because I felt that he was disappointed of my size but I immediately dismissed the feeling since I thought I already validated my assumption, that I already made my point. I fixed myself and went out of the still open door. It occurred to me that the exhibitionist did not close the door when he entered the place.

I thought I could already go straight home. Outside the store is the exhibitionist. He greeted me and discreetly asked me where my place is. I told him where and I asked for his place too. He told me that it is quite far from the area. I started to evaluate the situation. I already got my answers. Do I really have to proceed still? If sex is what I need and perhaps I could get one considering my partner is not around, then could I invite this guy over our place just like that? I know my roommates are already in our place. What is the difference between having a moment of orgasm with someone’s mouth or hand and that with my own hands with porn? An orgasm is just a moment of fantastical reality. I could create that with my own mind. Do I need to complicate things?

We are free men, but we sometimes do not take our freedom with utmost responsibility and sensibility.Thoughts filled up my mind in seconds to provide an answer to the situation that I have total control. I could already feel the exhibitionist’s lustful feelings towards the anticipated encounter. I looked at him blankly. He broke free from the crowd and run to the other side of the street. I followed and joined him under the rain. He wanted us to get a ride but I continued towards the direction of my own ride. I looked back at him and gave him that “sorry” shrug.

---

That was a well-thought out decision. I could always choose otherwise but the fact remains that I do not need to get into bed with another guy just to prove my worth in the market. Things can get complicated sometimes if we are too careless with our decisions and actions. Most often, we do know the harshness of the consequences but we still give in to our self-gratification without conscientiously thinking of others. We are free men, but we sometimes do not take our freedom with utmost responsibility and sensibility. Proceeding with our emotions is perilous not only to ourselves but to the entire chain of existence.

If we are suffering right now it is because of our own doing. There is no one else to blame. We should feel guilty because given the chance of correcting our misdoing; we have not acted on it. We try to linger on the deed and justify it because we always thought we could get away with it. Unfortunately, we could not. The nature of things will always get through us and what else can we do but to face it, and hopefully would have the chance of rebuilding what is destroyed.